Yesterday almost took an extremely unexpected turn.
I was about half a heart beat and tear away from calling my MTLD and calling it quits.
This is going to be the post that, if and when, I make it out in 2 years after this commitment I know for a fact that I will be using in a sermon to explain God’s grace, strength, and will. If not, well then what a fool I am.
This post is meant to do one thing and one thing only. And that is to thank all the people in my life that have been supporting me. Specifically the past two and a half weeks. If I did not have such an amazing support system, yesterday my heart, brain, mind, everything would have called it quits. Because of you I am going in tomorrow and continuing through with my commitment and job.
I spent yesterday in bed sick and on the phone with multiple people expressing to them I didn’t think I could go on any longer with this job. It was ironic though. With two people specifically, a spiritual mentor and my CMA from Institute, they ended up saying the same thing to me. “Kayla, what are you grounding yourself in right now? Really, what are you fighting for?”
To be honest. Nothing is grounding me. And that is the problem. I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I’m tired, I’m exhausted, etc. Clearly it has taken a toll in my classroom. But I know I can’t quit. I know that if I chose to make that decision, more than just my co-workers and myself would be let down. Most importantly, my kids. Even the ones I feel hate me right now. They would be let down because I am stripping them of education for however long it would take to replace me.
So to you Jesus, Daddy, thank You for grounding me in the midst of the most broken I have been in awhile. Even when I don’t realize it. I will do as everyone has been telling me. “Just get to Thanksgiving. Get to Christmas. Things change. You will get rest.” LORD maybe it won’t happen. Tomorrow could possibly be the worst day I’ve had yet, or the best. But I promise I’m going to try for You.
I have felt so much love and support these past 2 and half weeks. The world needs to know how blessed I am and how grateful I am for all these people. Whether you realize it or not, if you have been a part of my life recently you have been part of the reason that I am still surviving the environment I am in right now. Where everyday I feel like I am failing, I am letting my kids down, and I am physiologically unhealthy.
My family has supported me through making my weekends easy by just buying me pizza and watching movies with me. By taking me out to get a massage. They don’t even have to ask, they are just trying to find ways to help. The veteran teachers at my school have sat with me as I have cried and pounded into my head that “I am a good teacher. I am providing so much more for my kids than they or I even realize.” My CMA from institute, Amelia, grounded me yesterday. and has encouraged me in ways she doesn’t even know. My spiritual mentor, LeAnna, has reminded me so much of Jesus’ love, strength, comfort, and plans. She’s literally called at 7 a.m. just to check in on me. One of my best friend’s Maria and her boyfriend Erik made a surprise visit to my apartment in the middle of the week 2 weeks ago just to talk and be with me. My Young Life girls back in Lawrence are at the point to where THEY are preaching to ME about Jesus’ love and promise. My elementary teachers have sat with me and helped me create my centers, given me reams of paper, and told me I’m doing the impossible but will make it possible. My second family, the Casady’s, have unconditionally loved me, prayed for me, fought, and are continually fighting for me in prayer to find grounding. My closest co-worker Alyssa tells me everyday that I can do it. She says it over and over until I have to believe it because there’s nothing else to believe. My co-worker Lindsey who talks with me every night. We exchange stories that make us laugh because we know laughter is the best medicine. My high school teachers who have taken me under their arms with constant encouragement, let me come just observe their classrooms in the middle of the week on days I have off and send me texts/emails checking in on me. My friend Hillary, who is 4 years younger than me and has a just as wise, if not wiser, brain than I do and tells me Jesus says not everyone is called to be a teacher, but some are, and she believes I am. The consistent encouraging Facebook comments about “Hanging in there” and “Praying for me.” My MTLD who has told me to take a break and find balance between my personal and work life. Who goes in on a day I am out sick and completely rearranges my classroom for me to help me be prepared for the next day. For my roommate, my friend Natalie, Taylor, and so many others who have called, facebooked me, texted me, just to check in, make sure I’m alive and tell me if there is anything I need to let them know. To my TFA friends half way across the country, Kayla and Chris, who are CONSTANTLY checking in, sharing stories, and holding tight through the Truth of God. And all my TFA-KC friends who have been in the same boat as me, and we have walked through this side-by-side with love and comfort. You help me realize I truly am not alone.
And again. Jesus. Your grace. I can’t do this without your grace. Thank You.
I am so incredibly thankful. I’ve never felt so loved and supported. Truly the only thing I feel is that I am at the feet of all these people in true mercy and gratitude.
Because of YOU, yesterday I put my phone down and decided. It’s not time to call it quits yet.
I love all of you. Thank you.